We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
