We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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