I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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