I wish I could punch you in the face.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
did i just pee glitter
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
