I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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