I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
