he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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