And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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