Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
