just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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