I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
