My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize