someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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