Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
