Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
