Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
