Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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