You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
