Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
