everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
