I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
