I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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