dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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