everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
