I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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