1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
