I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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