tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
