I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize