one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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