I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize