there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
