I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
