Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
