someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
