Your dad touched me again.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
