For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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