Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
