Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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