can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
