Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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