i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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