My friends, they love my intelligence
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
