so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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