someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You're like the curious george of whores
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
