What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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