yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
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