Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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