You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
