Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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