Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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