1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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