you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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