who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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