I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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