Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
