literally had 100 drinks last night.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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