I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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