I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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