Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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