I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
