when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
